A letter to spammers

Dear spammer,

I know you’re a terribly busy person, what with all those blogs to comment on and useful links to share with everyone, so firstly, thanks ever so much for taking the time to read this letter.

Vintage spam advert
Image from vintage ads

Naturally, I’m delighted that your sister loves my blog. It’s very good of her to say so and of you to pass the message on. Please relay my thanks back to her for her kind words.

I’m also pleased to hear that your friend who has some awesome LOLZ has set up a website specifically for his aforementioned LOLZ. As someone who writes a blog, I know that it takes quite a lot of time and effort to keep a website going, so he should definitely be applauded for his work starting up a whole new site. My only concern for him is whether he’s done his market research well enough? It strikes me that there are already quite a few sites out there on the internet offering LOLZ of all kinds. Some of them even quite well-established. Of course, it might well be that your friend is far more internet-savvy than I am and has identified a hole in the LOLZ market, in which case I am sure his new site will be a huge success.

Whatever the specifics of his LOLZ, he is a very lucky man to have such a dedicated friend as you, sharing details of his awesomeness and new launches with the likes of me and my readers. With that sort of support, I’m sure he’ll do well.

It’s also great to hear your constructive criticism on my writing style. I was obviously delighted that you thought I had unique views and that the information in my blog is clearly written. Though, I did wonder if I detected a hint of criticism with your comment that you agree with “many of my primary points” — was there perhaps an underlying suggestion that you disagree with some of my secondary points? I’ll certainly bear that in mind for my next article anyway, ensuring that my secondary points are just as well-articulated as my primary points.

I do have to confess to being a little surprised that you thought the information I included was particularly suited for readers who enjoy challenging content. It hadn’t occurred to me that photos of my garden or a tutorial about making paperweights could be considered “challenging content” and I think I might try and dumb things down a bit in the future. I know, of course, that you and your sister and your friend with the LOLZ website are up for being challenged any time you read content online, but I fear that some of my regular readers might prefer things a little more easygoing with their morning cup of tea.

Now it may seem churlish, after all the information you’ve shared with me, to say that I’ve deleted your comments from my blog… But in the spirit of shared constructive criticism, I thought it only fair to tell you why.

Firstly, dear spammer, your grammar and punctuation are terrible. Your spelling’s not so great either. I hope you don’t mind my bringing your attention to this, but I really feel you could benefit by running your comments through spellcheck first. It’s ever so quick and will immediately show you any changes you need to make. Were you to read back over some of the comments you’ve left for me, I think you’d cringe with embarrassment at the typos. I won’t highlight them here, because I don’t want to jeapordise your good reputation.

Secondly (and you’ll see I’ve taken your advice and made my second point the most salient), your propositions just aren’t calling to me. It almost makes me yearn for the days of Hotmail spam when I was frequently contacted by Nigerian princes asking me to put all their money into my bank account. Now that’s an offer! LOLZ, no matter how audibly they might make me chuckle, just can’t compare to the offer of $50million in my bank, I’m afraid. And while it’s really lovely of you to tell me that my posting is “on point” I’m sorry to say that a brief sentence like that just doesn’t pique my interest enough to make me want to click on your links. Even when the URL contains such promises as “cheapairjordanshoes.” I know, I know, my loss entirely.

So, rethink and regroup, my old spammer chum, and if, by the time you come up with some more appealing offers, WordPress still has whatever glitch in their spam filter that has led to all your comments being posted over the past few days, then I can promise that I and my readers may well start clicking with abandon…

Til then, dear spammer, on with your lonely task. I wish you well.

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10 thoughts on “A letter to spammers

  1. And I thought I was the only one with messages from such “good friends” and I use blogspot. I mark them as spam but they never make it to the blog because I moderate before the post gets up there. You made this irritation actually FUN though.

    1. It seems to have gone crazy over the past few days, I don’t know why. I always have my comments posting automatically, just because otherwise I might not be able to publish them for a little while. Normally, the WordPress spam filter is really good, though, I have to say and catches everything, so I don’t know what’s gone wrong recently.

  2. Beautifully put! I do hope that Mr Spammer (it has to be a man) appreciates the time and effort you have put in to explain the error of his ways. Thank you for making me smile!

  3. Thanks for a great write up – not sure if this is the right place to ask, but do you need new writers for your blog? can I help you improve your SEO? are you in the market for a knock off designer bag? Only kidding! :o)

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